The Pen is Mightier Than The Wand
by prouvaires
Summary: Letters are exchanged. Sarcasm abounds. TeddyLily.
1. Chapter 1

---

_My dear Lily-flower,_

_I truly cannot comprehend your infantile ways. Surely you did not imagine I would ever be amused to receive a Hogwarts' toilet-seat in the post? The owls carrying it looked rather astonished too, and that's difficult for birds. I suggest with the utmost sincerity that you need to stop following James' example, and follow Rose's instead. She has a clever head on her shoulders and you'd do well to imitate her. _

_Missing you,_

_Teddy._

--

_Dear Teddy,_

_You're an ass._

_Lily._

_P.S. If by following Rose's example you mean dating a Malfoy, you might want to go shove your head in a toilet. Or something._

_--_

_Lily,_

_Why the hell has no-one told me that Rose is dating Scorpius Malfoy?! Were you just going to sit here letting me be happily oblivious to all this while your father and Draco tried to kill each other over it?_

_And mind your language, you're only twelve._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_Rose is sixteen. She can decide for herself. And besides, it's hilarious when you have no clue what's going on. Your hair goes that funny orange colour and your eyebrows get all heavy-looking. _

_And Mr. _You're-so-young-and-naïve_, need I remind you that your __precious__ girlfriend is four years younger than you? Speaking of certain blonde-girlfriends, I've seen her hanging around with Michael Finnegan recently. He's such a jerkwad – I mean, he actually expects girls to like him when he's got a name like __Michael Finnegan__. And his nose is wonky._

_Miss you,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily-flower,_

_I shall be having words with this Finnegan character. And Victoire, when she next bothers to put pen to paper. I think I'd go insane if you weren't so amazing at writing to me._

_How're James, Al, Hugo, Rose and all the rest of that crazy rabble you call your family?_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_I always knew you needed me for __something__. The family is fine. Oh, and I caught James snogging Georgina Zambini the other day. I was following Victoire because she was (extremely unsuccessfully) attempting to sneak off somewhere with our favourite Irish douche-bag, and I __accidentally__ bumped into James and Gee. I don't think I mind as much with them as with Rose and Scorpius – James will get bored of her in two days, and besides she's nicer than most other Slytherins. She helped me when I got stuck in that trick step in first year._

_Lily._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_What's up with you? You didn't reply to my last letter and it's been ten days – did you die?_

_Lily._

_--_

_My dear Lily,_

_Yes, I'm dead. I'm writing to you from beyond the grave. You should be creeped out. I'll be hanging around to haunt you through witty and sarcastic letters and then spying on you in the bath._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_I always knew you were a paedophile._

_Lily._

_P.S. Ghosts can't hold pens, so they can't write._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I __am__ sorry, truly, for not writing. And I was kidding about spying on you in the bath. And also extremely impressed that you know how to spell "paedophile". But I sort of ended things with Victoire, and I did that depression-thing I do sometimes. I miss you. I need a hug._

_Teddy._

_--_

_My darling Ted,_

_I'm getting dad to come pick me up from school as this wings its way towards you. Who am I to deny my favourite metamorphagus a hug? Plus I love that blue colour your hair goes when you're sad. Dad is __so__ easy to manipulate, it's astonishing he ever managed to stay out of Voldemort's way. I swear, all I have to do is get teary-eyed and blink sadly and he's eating out of the palm of my hand._

_It doesn't work on Auntie Hermione though, which I suppose is a good thing if she's going to be headmistress next year. Speaking of which, Rose and Hugo are absolutely furious. Rose is convinced she's just doing it to spy on her and Scorpius. I tried to explain it's just because Auntie Mione is super-smart and needs a bigger challenge than being a healer, but she ignored me. I hate being the youngest, no-one ever listens to me or even notices me._

_Yours angrily,_

_Lily._

_--_

_My dear Lily,_

_It was lovely to see you again – I do hope you've gotten that ice-cream stain out of your dress. It was such a pretty one, I'd hate to think we've ruined it. And we need to have a serious talk pretty soon regarding your language. It's appalling for someone so young._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore,_

_I'm not __that__ young. Get that stick out of your arse._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily Luna Potter,_

_Next time you use such language I'm telling your father. _

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore Remus Lupin,_

_I'm so proud that you're man enough to deal with your own problems rather than running to my dad, who really doesn't give a shit. He himself swears like a sailor when he's had too much firewhiskey._

_Anyway, to discontinue this petty argument, can you get up to Hogwarts for my birthday? I can sneak you in through the Honeyduke's passage. I want you there, it won't be right to have it without you. I bought a special dress, I want you to see it._

_Yours hopefully,_

_Lily Luna Potter._

_--_

_My Lily-flower,_

_Nothing could keep me away. I've got your present all ready for you. It's so great, I can't wait for you to see it! See you in two days – by the way, if everyone else there is thirteen I'll kill you._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_Thanks again for the teddy bear, I absolutely adore it. I was going to call him just Teddy, but then I realised it would be weird saying that I take Teddy to bed every night. Ew. So I called him Roosevelt instead. Cool, huh? And I told you not to worry – everyone I invited turned up, even our favourite leprechaun and unfavourite blonde-cousin. _

_I still maintain that you shouldn't have punched him, however. He still has a black eye. _

_Lily._

_P.S. The black eye is really highly amusing. I told him so and he just glared._

_--_

_My dear (but somewhat insane) Lily,_

_Where on earth did you come up with the name Roosevelt from? It is very cool, though. And the fact that you comprehend the innuendo behind saying you take me to bed every night is extremely disturbing. You're only twelve- I mean, thirteen! You have a dirty, dirty mind._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_It's Roosevelt because one of the Roosevelts was called Teddy. So there you have it._

_And how would it be humanely possible for me to not have a dirty mind with a brother like James?_

_Lily._

_--_

_My Lily-flower,_

_You make an excellent point. I think James needs to be brought down a peg or two, last time I saw him there was barely enough space for his ego to fit through the door. _

_So, what's new at school? Is old McGonagall as batty as ever?_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore, darling,_

_Yes, McGonagall has gone quite senile in her old age, bless her. James actually strung a banner on the wall behind the teacher's table saying "50 galleons to whoever hits old Gollywog with a piece of pumpkin pie," and it took her ten minutes to notice. It was hilarious, there was pie everywhere._

_Speaking of which, James needs to replace my skirt. He got pie on it._

_Lots of love,_

_Lily._

_--_

_My dear Lily,_

_Good luck with getting James to cough up. He's as stingy as Uncle Percy. _

_On a different track, you'd bloody well better be coming home for Christmas and not going to Romania again to spend the winter with Charlie. I refuse to put up with another 'family Christmas' without you there. It's torture._

_Yours torturedly,_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_Man up. _

_I am going to Romania, but only for a week. Uncle Charlie's got some massive dragon-taming conference thing, so he's shipping me home sooner than usual. Panic not, I will be home to aid you through another Christmas! See you in two weeks!_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_This is my third attempt to send you a letter. Every time I tried to send my owl out it just __looked__ at me, and frankly creeped me out a little. I think I finally persuaded it to fly to you, though, by promising you'd give it a special dragon-steak dinner when it gets to you. So you'd better do it, or he'll eat you while you sleep._

_How's Romania? How deep is the snow? Tamed any dragons yet?_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore,_

_Your bloody bird half pecked me to death when it arrived. And it's so slow I'll probably get home before it does. Anyway, I have __not__ tamed any dragons because Uncle Charlie won't let me near any, but the snow is __amazing__. I spent at least an hour yesterday making snow-angels, it was fabulous. And I have found you the most amazing Christmas present __ever__._

_Be very afraid!_

_All my love,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I am positively bursting with excitement. Hurry up and get home already – it's nearly Christmas Eve and I'm sick of watching James flirt with that Slytherin friend of yours._

_Teddy._

_P.S. What the hell did you do to my owl? It arrived with half its feathers singed off … _

_---_

**A/N: **Pointless? Check. Immature? Check. Stupid? Check.

I was bored. And ate too much chocolate. So, voila, the workings of my convoluted mind.

Please no favouriting without reviewing, thanks.

I will be continuing if anyone cares deeply, but probably sporadically as I'm terrible at remembering to update things like this.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks to all who pointed out my spectacular balls-up with Lily's varying ages. I've gone and corrected them now.

I also realise that Victoire is the wrong age, but hey, poetic licence and all that. It wouldn't be nearly as much fun if she wasn't still at school.

---

_Teddy,_

_You are a retard and next year you will only be receiving a lump of coal._

_Do not __ever__, ever steal my iPod again. EVER. It's not even funny._

_Although, you were funny when you were attempting to fight off my bat-bogey hex. Mum says it's a genetic gift._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I'm still pulling the occasional bat out of my hair. You're hilarious. Really._

_And I was doing you a favour – we don't want you too dependent on these silly muggle toys now, do we?_

_Thank you again for the cat. I shall treasure her forever and ever. Provided that she stops clawing me every time I am even a __second__ late feeding her. She kind of reminds me of you, actually. With the whole 'feed-me-or-die' vibe she has going on._

_You know, I think I'll call her Lily. That will get satisfactorily confusing, will it not?_

_Love,_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore,_

_God. Stop. You're so funny._

_NOT._

_I am now officially sulking and herein am not answering any letters._

_Yours angrily,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_You are the worst person at taking a joke. Seriously. You're even worse than Molly, and that's difficult. _

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_You take that back this __minute__. I am nothing like Molly. I will never, __ever__, be a prefect, least of all Head Girl. Plus she's an absolute bitch to Lucy._

_Oh, oh, guess what?!_

_Wait, I can't be bothered for you to reply with "what?" so I'll just tell you now:_

_LUCY IS DATING LORCAN SCAMANDER._

_!!  
_

_Is that __fantastic__ or what?_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lils,_

_You fail at sulking._

_And who the heck is Lorcan Scamander? And why should I be excited?_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_On a scale of 1 to 10 for enthusiasm you get -1000. God._

_I will now faithfully give myself hand-cramp in order to bring you up to date on the tragic saga that is Lucy and Lorcan. _

_So Lucy has liked Lorcan for __ages__ and he has absolutely liked her back, right? And he's Head Boy this year which totally sucks because Molly is Head Girl and Lucy is still a mere fifth-year prefect, and anything Lucy has Molly simply __must__ have it too. Or instead. So it was incredibly and painfully obvious to the rest of us that Lorcan liked Lucy and that he wanted to go out with her but Molly managed to get her claws into him and Lucy was __so__ upset._

_I came back into the house to find her sobbing in my room (I'm not a great fan of people being in my personal space, but she was upset so I let it slide.) She told me that she had seen Lorcan kissing Molly. I was all for sprinting out and doing the fucker in but she told me that would be such a Slytherin cliché and she was right, of course, because she's the only person other than me who always is._

_But then the next day I sort of couldn't help myself so I went over to the Ravenclaw table and did some things I'm not proud of. Let's just say that without you around to hold me back things got pretty messy._

_But it turned out okay because Lorcan talked to Lucy and fixed everything, and it turned out Molly had sort of forced herself on him and he didn't want to hurt her feelings by pushing her away. _

_And now they're happy as Larry and life is good all round._

_Ted, you really need to keep up with family gossip more. My writing hand is killing me._

_Now you are rightly expected to squee with joy._

_Love,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I cannot profess to squeeing but I did feel happy for them. What a tragic story! And you get a big plate of brownies next time I see you to make your hand feel better, I swear._

_And who's Larry?_

_Can you suggest anyone to write to in order to keep up with general gossip? I don't trust you because frankly you're a sneaky little Slytherin and will feed me lies._

_But I love you anyway!_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_The whole OMGZ-Slytherin-bad thing is getting really old. We're just ambitious. And cunning. Which means I'm smarter than you, pal, and not afraid to blast you if you irritate me. So watch out._

_But I reckon try Rose, she's always up for spreading any gossip that doesn't concern her or Scorpius._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I wrote and asked Rose for all the latest gossip._

_I received twenty sheets of parchment. __TWENTY__. Double-sided._

_Whyohwhy did I even consider doing this?_

_And your bloody cat just bit my ankle._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Ted,_

_She's your cat now. Maybe if you were a little nicer to her she wouldn't feel the need to launch spontaneous attacks on you. _

_And being up with the gossip will be good for you, it'll stop you being such an old man._

_Love you,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily-flower,_

_I'm twenty-four. That's hardly __old__. _

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore,_

_Are you kidding me? Next thing we know you'll be in a wheelchair reminiscing about the good old days and handing sweeties out to us young folk._

_But don't worry, I think wrinkles will suit you._

_Lily._

_P.S. I promise to come visit you in your retirement home._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I'm sulking now. _

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_You are such a __child__. _

_Lily._

_--_

_Lils,_

_That makes me this fabulous thing called a "paradox", for I simply cannot be both an old man and a child at the same time._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Ted,_

_You are so lucky you can't see the finger I'm holding up right now._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_How many times have we talked about your language? Really, it's amazing McGonagall doesn't make you wash your mouth out with soap and water. _

_I despair of you ever gaining control of your potty mouth._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Theodore,_

_My finger cannot speak. It is not a magical finger. It does not have a mouth. Therefore it cannot speak, and thus cannot use bad language._

_Now I __know__ you're going senile. _

_Talking fingers, psh._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily Luna Potter,_

_You are sincerely lacking in your grasp-on-sarcasm department. Maybe you should take lessons from the master?_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_What an absolutely fabulous suggestion._

_I shall mail Scorpius' dad right away._

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_You have got to be kidding me._

_You're __terrified__ of Scorpius' father._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_Am not!_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_Oh, pull the other one. You forget, my very dear Lily, that I have __seen__ your Boggart. And, unless there is another Draco Malfoy wandering around the world, your greatest fear is Scorpius' father._

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_Shit. I had totally forgotten you knew that. Pleasepleaseplease don't tell anyone. Imagine what would happen if they found out that Malfoy Sr. was my greatest fear!_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_I am admittedly curious as to why he is your greatest fear. I mean, it's not like you've even actually talked to the guy …_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Teddy,_

_If you could hear the stories my father tells, you would understand._

_I'm actually shivering right now thinking about it._

_I need a hug!_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_Well, panic not, my love. These letters have been exchanged with such remarkable asperity that time has passed as quickly as James slipping out of trouble._

_I shall see you at the station in two days and give you your hug!_

_Teddy._

_--_

_Ted,_

_I shall hold you to it._

_Plus you still owe me those brownies, remember?_

_Love,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Lily,_

_As if you'd let me forget. Psh._

_Teddy._

_---_

**A/N: **Again, please no favouriting without reviewing. Thanks for reading!


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